it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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