Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
