I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
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