I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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