Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
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She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
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They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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