Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
