And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
