If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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