i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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