Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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