I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
