I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize