i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Randomize
