Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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