i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
