if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
