Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Farmville is her only friend.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
