My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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