If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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