Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
