dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
