i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
