I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
tell your sister to shave her snatch
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
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Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
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I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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