i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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