Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.