I intend to get homeless drunk
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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