how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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