Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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