his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
