I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
