Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
