someone threw a dead crab at me
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
