my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
