Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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