gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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