Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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