You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
