I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
