i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
