It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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