her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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