I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
