i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
