Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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