Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
