I think im going to throw up on grandma
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
