I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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