yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
