I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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