It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
