dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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