this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
