I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
