We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
