put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
