I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
