I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
