You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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