Fine. I'll sleep in my office
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
