God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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