someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
These 23 People Are Living Shocking Lies
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The 17 Absolute Worst Divorces Imaginable
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.