he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night