There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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