meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.