My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
